Spend time in nature everyday

This is what I was thinking about as I set out on my walk this afternoon,spending time in nature everyday.  Here I can relax and rejuvenate just by the fresh air, sounds of birds singing, waves crashing, nearby cars driving by or workers tools rumbling in the distance, but all the noises just fade away and I listen closely to nature.

 I think about what I love. Walking my dog Kaya, being creative, writing, smiling, working hard, playing hard, loving my family, my friends and myself.

I take this special time everyday also thinking of ones I miss. Especially my mom. Today as I walked through the woods, I talked out loud to her. 

I said "hi mom, I miss you."

Without anytime in between I heard a response, "Hi Gracie"

It made me jump! I've talked with her before and heard her voice but this time it was way more clear than ever. I recognized her soft, calm tone, the way she said "Hi."

I knew it was her, she's one of the few who call me Gracie.

I began crying and continued talking aloud, "thank you mom for being here."

I continued walking and something literally grabbed my arm at the elbow like someone does to turn you around if you walk away from them. It spun me around and faced me toward a bright beam of sunlight streaming down through the trees right onto my face. I looked up to the sky, and felt a hand placed upon my left shoulder. 

I could smell her.

She whispered in my ear, "I am here,"

I began sobbing.

"Mom I miss you, we all miss you. Abby, Hope, Silas, Abe, the boys, Dad, Carrie Ann, Grandma, Steve, Nancy, Kaya."

Still standing close behind my left shoulder she said softly "I'm okay here, it's nice, different from there, you don't feel the pain of sadness here."

I cryed harder.

I decided to keep walking and move along as this seemed so unreal to me, I was experiencing a conversation with my mom who passed almost five years ago.

I took a few steps and she followed close behind.

I said "you're gonna walk with me mom?"

She said "Yes."

Now I'm almost gasping for air with disbelief that this was happening.

I said "please keep walking with me mom, thank you so much for being here."

 

She followed along only a few steps behind.

I realized today would be 2 weeks before she passed away on April 4th, 2009 which is right around the date when she decided at the hospital to not have a heart transplant and to return home with hospice care. 

Every year at this time is when I've been visited by her so vividly, I hadn't realized this consistency really until now.

I said to her as she still followed close behind "this is when you've been here next to me before mom, isn't it? When you made that decision 5 years ago, it was almost to this day, to this hour, right?"

Another response, "Yes."

I stopped abruptly and turned around, I really could feel here there, here the footsteps.  I could see her outline clearly but with not a lot of detail. I said, "will you follow me to the bay Mom, till we can see the water?" (which was only a short distance up the trail)

She said "Yes," came along my right side, hooked her left arm into my right arm and I could feel her warmth and pressure. We walked a few feet and as the trail narrowed she stepped back behind me letting go of my arm.

I again thanked her.

She said she could only stay until we saw the water and then she'd have to go. I said that was ok.

We neared the top off the bluff and my tears were still flowing as I knew this deep connection would soon fade away.

The calm bay on a beautiful Spring afternoon was a deep blue.

As I stood there for only a second I felt something rush over my right shoulder as a swooping beam of white light traveled quickly through the trees, down the dune, over the sand and soared right above the water for a short distance until it vanished up into the air.

I stood there in awe.

I grabbed a stick that was lying on the ground next to me and drew a heart in the dirt with MOM scratched in the middle.

I closed my eyes and thanked her once again for such an amazing prescense.

I thought she was gone as I didn't feel her next to me anymore but as I turned to leave I heard a faint voice far, far off in the distance whispering.....

 "I'm always here."

Balance

Everything in my life seemed like it was all in a row and I thought that I should be feeling fullfilled and centered, but there was still something missing.

I have come to terms with my financial status....broke...I've finally made it a priority to pay bills first before going out to dinner or buying something new like a sweater or pair of jeans that I've been dying to have but really don't need. It's taken awhile to learn this. 

I have a great home, good job and amazing family, friends and relationship.

I'm in good health (after a horrible bout of food poisoning on my 30th birthday, poison ivy on Christmas Eve and the flu over New Years) Yeah! It was bad run, but I'm better now!

So why was there still a hole in my heart?

I'm feeling better. I'm more financially aware. I exercise. I'm loved. I'm happy.

I spend my days thoroughly enjoying nature, walking with my dog, making art, writing, enjoying company of loved ones, laughing, pampering, and always smiling.

I just kept going on with my days feeling content but not fulfilled. I had no connection within myself after exerting my energy in all different directions day after day.

I thought I knew the answer but I didn't fully believe that it could fill in the empty space.

So I ignored it.

The answer is yoga and mediation.  I haven't been practicing at all. I haven't taken time to slow down, go inward, unwind or listen to my inner voice.

I read this quote and it changed my outlook.

Ego says; "Once everything falls into place, I will find peace"

Spirit says; "Find peace and everything will fall into place."

Everything seemed to be in its place for me.

But expected I would naturally feel in control of the longing in my heart. 

The longing to be in touch with my soul, my passions and inspirations. 

I thought I'd feel peace now that things were good in my life. 

But I didn't.

About 2 weeks ago I finally got down on my yoga mat for a series of sun salutations, stretches and mediation.

Just the ten minutes that day was EXACTLY what I needed.

To tend to my heart, my breath, to reflect and feel at ease.

I've now made it a point to go inward everyday.  Whether it be 2 mins or 20, anytime amount of time is important to me. Anytime of the day is good and if I happen to miss a day, I don't beat myself up over it, I just know the tool is always there for me. For that realization, I'm thankful.

I have practiced yoga and meditation throughout my life and know about its amazing benefits and it is the key to keeping balance. Sometimes I need a reminder of that.

I will continue making this a part of my everyday life.

I have found peace and now even more great things are falling into place!

"An attitude of gratitude brings opportunities." -Yogi tea

-Grace

28 times :: poem by Dusty Finch

Time is precious, every moment of breath.

The life I lead may time my death. 

Time is paid, if turned into work.

Time is made, if not forsook.

Time is teaching, adding to.

Time is reaching, breaking through.

Time is costly, taken from its store,

where time accumulates, dates and

dates and more and more.

Time is distant, time is near.

Time is resistant, time is dear.

Time is persistent, without fear.

Time and time and time again,

Time stands the test. 

Time dictates rhyme and time will 

tell, if I have redeemed the time,

and spent it well, gave my best.

For when my time becomes at stake 

and lo' no other breath I take,

Time will always be exsistant 

Time to measure

Time to treasure

Time to wait, for an instant

or forever.

Now's the time to navigate my 

soul between timelines of fate.

Past earthly shoals and enter in 

a blessed time of Peace within.

                                      Mom and I in Oregon, 2002

                                     

Go with the flow

        

                                

    This quote makes so much sense to me. When things go wrong or not as planned i so easily get upset and want to give up but I've learned that behavior won't ever get me to my destination. I've had many circumstances happen lately that have tested my patience and completely thrown me off coarse. But with accepting, understanding, forgiving and trusting, I can get through those tough situations with better ease by adjusting my sails and moving forward.

Hemenway

"You're Moms home!" Dad said as he opened the back door. I was sitting on the couch in the living room as Kaya ran to see who it was and I became anxious hoping she would remember who mom was. I heard her tail wagging and as i walked around the corner i saw Kaya wiggling with excitement as mom bent down to pet her. I walked up and threw my arms around mom, sobbing into her shoulder. She held me tight. "Where have you been?" I asked her. Very calmly she replied "At Hemenway, writing a nature book." I immediately thought "oh, that must be why she's been gone so long, it can take a long time to write a book."
We looked at each other and I cried some more. Then I woke up. It was that same dream again, my heart was heavy, eyes filled with tears, longing.
I knew today I would be visiting Hemenway landing in Eastham. It's a special little spot right off the highway down a road leading to a small parking lot on the waters edge of Nauset Marsh. Many boats and kayaks go out from there as it a beautiful scenic tour through the marsh ways leading to the open waters of the Atlantic. The tide was way out today, cloudy and not a soul in sight. I stepped out of the car and the skies opened up to a great beam of sunlight on my face. It warmed my whole body and felt like the same warmth from moms hug in my dream last night. I thanked her for being with me and guiding me there. I miss her more as each day passes but am so thankful for the strong connection we have through nature.

"In honor of Mother's Day"

While I was sifting through some of Mom's belongings I came across a letter she had written about her mother. It brought me to tears but I am so thankful to have found it. Reading her words, especially those reflecting her relationship with her mother, was a very powerful moment for me. She wrote;

My Mother was from Tallinn, Estonia. She always talked with an accent. I love it. She arrived in Portland, Oregon in 1950, with my half brother who was born in Germany. She met my father shortly thereafter.
My Mother sewed all my cloths. I especially remember the black wool coat with faux sheep's wool collar. She cut it from Grandfather's old coat. I loved it, and it fit me for two full years.
I had the privilege of tasting sauerkraut soup and borsch at an early age. Mom's homemade vegetable soup was always so watery; I had to resort to smashing the vegetables with a fork to make it thicker. She never made pizza, a taco or lasagna, but, we had authentic cabbage rolls,head cheese and sourdough rye bread.
Birthday cakes never looked like Betty Crocker's. Mother always baked sweet bread with cardamom spice and sprinkled with powdered sugar. I was the only kid I know who had sour milk in the refrigerator on purpose. She called it "Clabber Milk."
Mother passed away January 1992. Dying from cancer, Mom and Dad moved to Cape Cod so that I could help them in the end, which came in 18 months. I cried, "I'm myself too young to lose my Mother. I feel alone now, the mother of five children myself. I need you to be my Mentor.........Goodbye Mom." Dad moved back to Oregon.
And now, wouldn't you know it, I make the best sauerkraut and spareribs. I'm the only one in my family who eats beets, and, "Does anyone know where to buy buttermilk?"
War and oppression in Europe had taken its toll on her. She struggled at the end with that pain and some hate. She and her mother had been separated 20 years until USSR released Grandmother, and she came to live with us.
I knew when I read the Cape Cod times "In honor of Mother's Day" advertisement today; that I would be spending this afternoon with Mom. As tears fall, I am refreshed in the memory of you, Memme.

-Dusty Finch

"I feel great."

That is the last thing my mother said to me, in fact those are the last words she spoke to anyone. When I hear someone use that phrase it brings me back to the day of moms death but it does warms my heart knowing she felt good on that day. When I stood at the end of her hospice bed in our living room and gave her feet a light squeeze, I asked her if there was anything I could get for her? She responded "I feel great." i walked away to let her rest as I watched her eyes close, she looked comfortable and at ease. I left the house on that gorgeous April day, sun shining, the ocean was glistening and waves were perfect. I gathered with some friends on the boardwalk to enjoy the warmth.
When I returned to my car Dad had called several times, I knew it. I called him back and he was sobbing, "your mother passed" he said. I fell to my knees, I couldn't believe it, my heart broke in two, I thought it'd never really happen.
I headed home in shock, I couldn't even speak.
When I walked in the house Grandma was sitting at the kitchen table crying and Dad greeted me there with a huge hug, sobbing in my arms. I was nervous to see mom, just 30 mins ago she was resting so peacefully, now she's dead. I made my way in and just burst into tears. I laid my head on her chest, held her hand and kissed her goodbye.
I'll never forget that day and this April 4th I will honor mom as I do everyday. I miss her dearly.