Day lilies

Aptly named due to the fact that they open at sunrise and close at sunset.

The day lily garden in this picture is one that I prune weekly during it's blooming months of July and August. It's a long row of yellow flowers that stand tall with there slender stems of all different lengths and sizes. They require a lot of sun which makes this garden a hot one to be working in, especially this summer where temps have been in the high 80's. When I first begin snapping off the flowers that have passed and cutting down stems without new buds it seems so daunting because there's so much work but I move along quickly and soon see the results of how neat and tidy it looks. I find the act of pruning very meditative. It takes a lot of focus, precision, concentration, patience and knowledge of the plant. As I move along the row I feel content, calm and exactly where I'm supposed to be. This feeling makes me think of my mother who loved day lilies and had many in her garden. There I feel close to her, having a conversation about our love through nature. After several weeks of this abundant good feeling I have of her watching over me working in this particular bed I thought I should look up the symbolism for day lilies. There I found they mean "positive state" and "forgetting worries." Also in ancient China the flower was worn by women expecting a child in hopes that it would be a boy. Therefore they also represent "devotion to one's mother."

Once again nature reveals that my experiences are real and relevant, leaving me with comfort in my heart that my mom too can feel our connection.

The Bear

There is a bear on Cape Cod that I heard swam across the canal and is now on the loose. This is for real. Today I was working with a friend and i told her the story and she could "bear-ly" believe it! This friend named Anne I havn't seen in years and were catching up on how we are and what we do these days. We grew up together here and then she moved to California so it's been great to see and spend time with her again. She so sincerely said to me how sorry she is that my mother passed away. I shared with her how I am doing now and the things I have done to get through the hard times of grieving. Writing, counseling, and creativity have been my main outlet and the past few years i have been working very hard at keeping a spiritual connection with my mom. During the last two winters I have dedicated much time and energy to putting my journal entries into a book. I have focused on the positive outlook that dealing with this grief has given me. When I told Anne about my writings she was so glad to hear I was going about it in this way and she was proud of what I was doing. That made me feel so good and confident about it. When I talked out loud about it I then realized that it's time to get this book published so others can relate and learn useful tools in handling the death of a loved one. When this bear showed up on Cape Cod I thought this must have a meaning and this is what I read about the bear;
"The bear is a powerful symbol and image in both myth and lore teaching you to go inward and awaken your true potential.
In spring mother and cubs emerge from their den as the cubs become strong enough to follow their mother. This is tremendously significant when bear has shown up, reflecting a need to go deep within yourself, to have periods in your life when you can be more reclusive. During these times,you will be able to go within yourself and create ideas and projects.
Those with bear totems will find this cycle of semi-hibernation and reclusiveness during winter very natural. They will also find that with spring will come opportunities to act more assertively in regard to that which has been nursed through the winter months. Bear people should be patient though, as the cubs usually stay with their mother for up to two years. This can reflect that those projects you nursed may not come to full fruition until the second year of the cycle."
This month marks 2 years since I put my writings aside and said to myself that it will come out again when it's time to really make it happen. Last Friday Anne and I talked about me getting my book in print, the bear showed up a day or two later, then I looked up its meaning and it clearly states that it's time. My ideas have come to fruition and my project that I've been nursing has come to the end of it's second year cycle. I've been feeling lately there is something creative I must continue and this is it. Thank you Anne, thank you bear. I now feel connected again with my mom which I was seeming to be getting distant from.
"All bears have a great fondness for honey. Honey is the natural sweetness of life. It is a reminder to go within to awaken the power, bringing it out into the open and applying it allowing the honey of life to be tasted."
(all text with quotations from Animal Speak by Ted Andrews)

Birds

Listening to their sounds and song makes me whole, content and present.

Guiding light

I've been painting daffodils on driftwood that I've been collecting, it's been a great project for me, successful and fun! First I drew the flowers on paper and was happy with the outcome and then remembered the pieces of driftwood I've found and been drying out for an idea just like this. I plan to give them as gifts to my family on the anniversary of my Moms death which is coming up, April 4th. It's been 3 years and i miss her so much, we all do. This time in mid March I begin to get sad, agitated and angry because it was now when Mom decided to not have a heart transplant and she came home with Hospice care. Why didn't we push her to get a new heart? Why didn't I spend more time with her and tell her I love her? All these questions still haunt me and especially during these 3 weeks. Being creative during this time helps turn my focus to positive thoughts and memories of Mom. It's still really tough though.
So far I had 5 driftwood pieces suitable to paint but once I got going I realized I wanted to paint more. The daffodils to me represent beauty, springtime, strength, and the yellow reminds me of my Mothers blonde hair. Also, they make me think of Brewster in Bloom which was one of Moms favorite times to have a picnic with family and friends in our yard to enjoy the parade, food, fun and each others company. This time of year really hits home for me and my longing for her love.
Today I woke up early to walk on the beach with my dog Kaya before work. It was cold and overcast but the fresh air felt fantastic. I looked around a little bit for more driftwood but didn't find anything spectacular and at this point dry enough to paint on soon. As I started my walk back towards the path to the parking lot, a bright stream of sunlight beamed out of the clouds and struck the right side of my face causing me to squint and become disoriented. I turned towards the sun, saw it glistening on the water and felt it's warmth all over my face. I looked down and right there was a perfect driftwood piece to paint on! I know it was Mom who shined down on me and opened my eyes to what I was looking for, not only the driftwood but also a connection and sign from her. I walked to the waters edge to thank her and in the sand I wrote a message.
"I love you Mom so much. Thank you for being my guiding light."
I felt close to her and visited which makes me smile.

Devotion

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to the ocean-
Holding the curve of one position,
Counting an endless repetition"
Robert Frost

This is such a great poem. I can picture the sand and water as a perfect pair of undeniable truth and commitment. Day after day, year after year, always together, changing, shifting, playing and sometimes fighting with one another when storms create an uproar. Though their relationship is always changing, it's also everlasting. I came across the poem "Devotion" by Robert Frost in the book "Traces of Thoreau, a Cape Cod Journey" by Stephen Mulloney. Here Stephen follows Thoreau's path from Orleans to Provincetown along the shore in the 1850's. Stephen did this walk in 1998 observing not only the differences between The Cape from 150 years ago to now but also acknowledging and comparing their timeless similarities. I have dreamt of doing this very thing and am finding out that there are several modern day Thoreau's who have had the same desire to follow in his footsteps with awe and inspiration. I have thought a great deal about this and someday will set out my own journey to experience and write about what I love. I will continue reading and taking note of the importance of this connection and create in my own way, a new story of the role that the sea plays in my life and society today. I would like to write my perspective and keep the "devotion" alive for all the nature lovers who respect and admire our oceanside dwelling place.

Day 10 of 100 day challenge

Walking everyday and writing about it is way harder than I thought it'd be! I've set myself up for something that I want to do but it takes a lot of self motivation and creativity which is not how I feel every single day. Cold, grey, rainy days are not too inviting or invigorating to get out and enjoy nature. I'm doing my best though, some walks are short but I still learn and grow from each individual one. Being present and aware for that time, whether short or long, is a success for me. It's a daily meditation that makes me happy. I like challenges, things that evoke feelings and creating a balance of all the emotions I feel during my reflection of self. Determination and acceptance are a big part of staying focused on the goal, which is documenting the way I feel with incorporating this daily practice into my life. I'd like to continue with this for 365 days but I've started with a smaller goal, one not too overwhelming. This time of year is best to do this for me because I have more time available for walking and writing. I live at a slower pace during the winter and I'm glad i have these opportunities to experience what makes me feel whole. Spring, Summer and Fall months bring a very busy schedule for me with my gardening business and the amount of people around would not allow such serene, quiet places for me to be as focused. I feel lucky to be so passionate about something I love and it creates for me, a great sense of peace.

Winter strength

"In the winter scheme of things there are days that seem to made of a nearly indestructible symmetry. I know it to be in transition, but the landscape is so pure and precise, so bold and ironclad, as to invite me into a clean depth of its own. At low tide, and in the late afternoon, the offshore waters are bright blue, pushing in pack ice so that the distance is filled with a swishing roar, while along the beach is a hush, a winter silence." In Defense of Nature by John Hay.

I am loving this book and the way John Hay writes about nature. He describes the seasons and how the changes effect us. The way he sees the winter ocean is something I completely relate to. I want to write like him, he is so inspiring!