I think about what I love. Walking my dog Kaya, being creative, writing, smiling, working hard, playing hard, loving my family, my friends and myself.
I take this special time everyday also thinking of ones I miss. Especially my mom. Today as I walked through the woods, I talked out loud to her.
I said "hi mom, I miss you."
Without anytime in between I heard a response, "Hi Gracie"
It made me jump! I've talked with her before and heard her voice but this time it was way more clear than ever. I recognized her soft, calm tone, the way she said "Hi."
I knew it was her, she's one of the few who call me Gracie.
I began crying and continued talking aloud, "thank you mom for being here."
I continued walking and something literally grabbed my arm at the elbow like someone does to turn you around if you walk away from them. It spun me around and faced me toward a bright beam of sunlight streaming down through the trees right onto my face. I looked up to the sky, and felt a hand placed upon my left shoulder.
I could smell her.
She whispered in my ear, "I am here,"
I began sobbing.
"Mom I miss you, we all miss you. Abby, Hope, Silas, Abe, the boys, Dad, Carrie Ann, Grandma, Steve, Nancy, Kaya."
Still standing close behind my left shoulder she said softly "I'm okay here, it's nice, different from there, you don't feel the pain of sadness here."
I cryed harder.
I decided to keep walking and move along as this seemed so unreal to me, I was experiencing a conversation with my mom who passed almost five years ago.
I took a few steps and she followed close behind.
I said "you're gonna walk with me mom?"
She said "Yes."
Now I'm almost gasping for air with disbelief that this was happening.
I said "please keep walking with me mom, thank you so much for being here."
She followed along only a few steps behind.
I realized today would be 2 weeks before she passed away on April 4th, 2009 which is right around the date when she decided at the hospital to not have a heart transplant and to return home with hospice care.
Every year at this time is when I've been visited by her so vividly, I hadn't realized this consistency really until now.
I said to her as she still followed close behind "this is when you've been here next to me before mom, isn't it? When you made that decision 5 years ago, it was almost to this day, to this hour, right?"
Another response, "Yes."
I stopped abruptly and turned around, I really could feel here there, here the footsteps. I could see her outline clearly but with not a lot of detail. I said, "will you follow me to the bay Mom, till we can see the water?" (which was only a short distance up the trail)
She said "Yes," came along my right side, hooked her left arm into my right arm and I could feel her warmth and pressure. We walked a few feet and as the trail narrowed she stepped back behind me letting go of my arm.
I again thanked her.
She said she could only stay until we saw the water and then she'd have to go. I said that was ok.
We neared the top off the bluff and my tears were still flowing as I knew this deep connection would soon fade away.
The calm bay on a beautiful Spring afternoon was a deep blue.
As I stood there for only a second I felt something rush over my right shoulder as a swooping beam of white light traveled quickly through the trees, down the dune, over the sand and soared right above the water for a short distance until it vanished up into the air.
I stood there in awe.
I grabbed a stick that was lying on the ground next to me and drew a heart in the dirt with MOM scratched in the middle.
I closed my eyes and thanked her once again for such an amazing prescense.
I thought she was gone as I didn't feel her next to me anymore but as I turned to leave I heard a faint voice far, far off in the distance whispering.....
"I'm always here."
