"In honor of Mother's Day"

While I was sifting through some of Mom's belongings I came across a letter she had written about her mother. It brought me to tears but I am so thankful to have found it. Reading her words, especially those reflecting her relationship with her mother, was a very powerful moment for me. She wrote;

My Mother was from Tallinn, Estonia. She always talked with an accent. I love it. She arrived in Portland, Oregon in 1950, with my half brother who was born in Germany. She met my father shortly thereafter.
My Mother sewed all my cloths. I especially remember the black wool coat with faux sheep's wool collar. She cut it from Grandfather's old coat. I loved it, and it fit me for two full years.
I had the privilege of tasting sauerkraut soup and borsch at an early age. Mom's homemade vegetable soup was always so watery; I had to resort to smashing the vegetables with a fork to make it thicker. She never made pizza, a taco or lasagna, but, we had authentic cabbage rolls,head cheese and sourdough rye bread.
Birthday cakes never looked like Betty Crocker's. Mother always baked sweet bread with cardamom spice and sprinkled with powdered sugar. I was the only kid I know who had sour milk in the refrigerator on purpose. She called it "Clabber Milk."
Mother passed away January 1992. Dying from cancer, Mom and Dad moved to Cape Cod so that I could help them in the end, which came in 18 months. I cried, "I'm myself too young to lose my Mother. I feel alone now, the mother of five children myself. I need you to be my Mentor.........Goodbye Mom." Dad moved back to Oregon.
And now, wouldn't you know it, I make the best sauerkraut and spareribs. I'm the only one in my family who eats beets, and, "Does anyone know where to buy buttermilk?"
War and oppression in Europe had taken its toll on her. She struggled at the end with that pain and some hate. She and her mother had been separated 20 years until USSR released Grandmother, and she came to live with us.
I knew when I read the Cape Cod times "In honor of Mother's Day" advertisement today; that I would be spending this afternoon with Mom. As tears fall, I am refreshed in the memory of you, Memme.

-Dusty Finch

"I feel great."

That is the last thing my mother said to me, in fact those are the last words she spoke to anyone. When I hear someone use that phrase it brings me back to the day of moms death but it does warms my heart knowing she felt good on that day. When I stood at the end of her hospice bed in our living room and gave her feet a light squeeze, I asked her if there was anything I could get for her? She responded "I feel great." i walked away to let her rest as I watched her eyes close, she looked comfortable and at ease. I left the house on that gorgeous April day, sun shining, the ocean was glistening and waves were perfect. I gathered with some friends on the boardwalk to enjoy the warmth.
When I returned to my car Dad had called several times, I knew it. I called him back and he was sobbing, "your mother passed" he said. I fell to my knees, I couldn't believe it, my heart broke in two, I thought it'd never really happen.
I headed home in shock, I couldn't even speak.
When I walked in the house Grandma was sitting at the kitchen table crying and Dad greeted me there with a huge hug, sobbing in my arms. I was nervous to see mom, just 30 mins ago she was resting so peacefully, now she's dead. I made my way in and just burst into tears. I laid my head on her chest, held her hand and kissed her goodbye.
I'll never forget that day and this April 4th I will honor mom as I do everyday. I miss her dearly.

getting back on track...

Its been awhile since I've written, honestly I just haven't had the time! I HAVE had the motivation tho as I've conjured up several things to write about but haven't put down my thoughts just yet.

Thank god it's a New Year! March 1st is tomorrow, Wow! The past 5 months have flown by due to my new bar tending job and M-F at CPA office. It's my 4th year there and every year I've been given a raise which is great! It's actually a dream job for me! I've always wanted to work in an office and this one is perfect. Greeting customers, answering calls, filing, photo copying; it's all busy work but very helpful to all the accountants in the office. Also its only from mid Feb to mid April, just enough time to not get sick of it!

I can't wait to get back in the gardens! I just wrote an article for Cape women online magazine about springtime, it will be published April 15th:)

Returning to a functional life after heartbreak took some time but I'm getting there. I thought I'd be able to move along without fear everyday but it's been hard. Fresh out of a 10 year relationship and owning a 6 year old black lab together, it's been tough. I miss everything, I miss the thought of happily ever after. But in the end who do you really have? No one but yourself... I've realized this and am enjoying my independence and strength it's given me. I feel alive again....finally. This is more of a journal entry rather than one of my usual posts about nature but it is much needed to get some of these thoughts down. Stay true to yourself as I'm now learning to do.

: driftwood paintings

Do what you love

I've always heard that if you do what you love you will be happy and I believe that because when I do what I love, I definitely am happy. Life doesn't always allow us to be doing something we are passionate about so we must make time for it and create that place where you can feel like you're doing something good for yourself. It's not selfish at all to take time doing things you love, it's a necessity.

For me writing is my passion. It's what I love to do and it fuels creativity. I build, sculpt, paint and draw often using nature as my medium. However, writing is the most effective outlet I've found so far. It does take effort and seeking of inspiration but mostly it comes naturally which feels best.

I love this quote that is read by Shiva Rea in one of her guided yoga practices. It reminds to keep on my path of seeking,writing,reflecting and conquering all my desires and fears.

"As a bee seeks nectar from all kinds of flowers,seek teachings everywhere; like a deer that finds a quiet place to graze, seek seclusion to digest all that you've gathered; like a madman beyond all limits go wherever you please and live like a lion, completely free of all fear."
--dzogchen

Cape Cod Girl

Being a native Cape Codder, born in Brewster 29 years ago, I am happy to call this place my home.
Growing up, I spent long days at the beach with the ocean as my playground. Being tossed around by the waves, having so much fun, feeling alive and care free. Those child hood memories will last a lifetime. We rode our bikes on the Rail Trail to the bay where I learned about tides, shorebirds, shellfish, and horseshoe crabs. I would find sea lettuce and sea pickles, having myself an afternoon snack.
We often visited the Herring run, National Seashore and Natural History Museum. There I was involved in all sorts of outdoor activities from hiking, sailing, fishing, and learning about our environment. I have so many fond memories that have shaped my life and who I am today, a nature lover.
Surrounded by such beauty, I feel lucky to be a part of this community. There is a sense of appreciation here as many activists work hard to protect the Cape's waters, parks, beaches and natural habitats.
I have become interested in reading books about Cape Cod written by local authors. I'm grateful to have found so many different authors who share a similar connection with nature.
I first came upon Henry David Thoreau and enjoyed reading about his reflections and stories of the times he spent here 150 years ago.
The Outermost House by Henry Beston is the story that intrigued me to write about my own experiences and inspirations.
The Great Beach and In Defense of Nature by John Hay have also introduced me to the world of nature writing. It's a positive outlet and evokes creativity to keep exploring what I love which is nature and writing.
During winter months on Cape Cod many people leave here because it's too quiet, cold, hard to find work and can be very grey and dreary.
This time however is when I can fully embrace where I live. The raw weather and lifestyle provides me with great strength and the ability to adapt. I have time to reflect on my surroundings which makes me calm, happy and content. Slowing down, going inward and allowing myself rest is a much needed process for me.
I do love summer days where I spend time gardening and enjoying the (somewhat) warmer water temps. The busy streets, traffic, tourists and jam packed beaches do not provide and serenity for me at all. Spring and Fall are both wonderful times of year and have their own great qualities but it's in the midst of winter where I find the most peace.
Walking desolate trails in Nickerson State Park, Great Island or Race Point, observing birds, shifting sandbars and changing seasons is what fuels my soul and warms my heart.

The Owl

The alarm went off at 7a.m and the first thing I thought of was how much work there was to do in the gardens but all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. The early mornings are cold now, making it difficult to get out from underneath the warm blankets. I'm laying there thinking of all the tasks ahead of me such as pruning, weeding, planting bulbs and taking down a vegetable garden. I began to feel overwhelmed and exhausted but I managed to muster up enough energy to get myself to work on time. I parked in driveway at the job, sipped the last few drops of my coffee, let out a deep sigh and slumped back into my seat.

I sat there for a few moments hoping to become motivated when a slight movement above caught my eye and I looked up to see an owl perched way up high in a tree. Its body was completely still; turning just its head slightly towards me, then back the other direction in a slow, fluid motion. Its dark brown feathers camouflaged with the bark of the pine tree.

Right away I felt welcomed and very glad to be there in it's presence. Seeing the owl took my mind off being tired and gave me a renewed sense of energy, wisdom and a connection with nature to assure me that I would get through the day. I meditated on the owl and gained a great amount of strength and inspiration.

I rarely see an owl but when I do I know it's something special. Last winter there was a snowy owl living on the outer beach in Orleans and I went out there almost everyday looking for it. I heard of its stark white beauty and had to have a glimpse. After countless hours, days and strained eyes I began to see every buoy or seagull as an owl. I finally accepted I wasn't going to see it but this year will hopefully be different.