Hemenway

"You're Moms home!" Dad said as he opened the back door. I was sitting on the couch in the living room as Kaya ran to see who it was and I became anxious hoping she would remember who mom was. I heard her tail wagging and as i walked around the corner i saw Kaya wiggling with excitement as mom bent down to pet her. I walked up and threw my arms around mom, sobbing into her shoulder. She held me tight. "Where have you been?" I asked her. Very calmly she replied "At Hemenway, writing a nature book." I immediately thought "oh, that must be why she's been gone so long, it can take a long time to write a book."
We looked at each other and I cried some more. Then I woke up. It was that same dream again, my heart was heavy, eyes filled with tears, longing.
I knew today I would be visiting Hemenway landing in Eastham. It's a special little spot right off the highway down a road leading to a small parking lot on the waters edge of Nauset Marsh. Many boats and kayaks go out from there as it a beautiful scenic tour through the marsh ways leading to the open waters of the Atlantic. The tide was way out today, cloudy and not a soul in sight. I stepped out of the car and the skies opened up to a great beam of sunlight on my face. It warmed my whole body and felt like the same warmth from moms hug in my dream last night. I thanked her for being with me and guiding me there. I miss her more as each day passes but am so thankful for the strong connection we have through nature.

"In honor of Mother's Day"

While I was sifting through some of Mom's belongings I came across a letter she had written about her mother. It brought me to tears but I am so thankful to have found it. Reading her words, especially those reflecting her relationship with her mother, was a very powerful moment for me. She wrote;

My Mother was from Tallinn, Estonia. She always talked with an accent. I love it. She arrived in Portland, Oregon in 1950, with my half brother who was born in Germany. She met my father shortly thereafter.
My Mother sewed all my cloths. I especially remember the black wool coat with faux sheep's wool collar. She cut it from Grandfather's old coat. I loved it, and it fit me for two full years.
I had the privilege of tasting sauerkraut soup and borsch at an early age. Mom's homemade vegetable soup was always so watery; I had to resort to smashing the vegetables with a fork to make it thicker. She never made pizza, a taco or lasagna, but, we had authentic cabbage rolls,head cheese and sourdough rye bread.
Birthday cakes never looked like Betty Crocker's. Mother always baked sweet bread with cardamom spice and sprinkled with powdered sugar. I was the only kid I know who had sour milk in the refrigerator on purpose. She called it "Clabber Milk."
Mother passed away January 1992. Dying from cancer, Mom and Dad moved to Cape Cod so that I could help them in the end, which came in 18 months. I cried, "I'm myself too young to lose my Mother. I feel alone now, the mother of five children myself. I need you to be my Mentor.........Goodbye Mom." Dad moved back to Oregon.
And now, wouldn't you know it, I make the best sauerkraut and spareribs. I'm the only one in my family who eats beets, and, "Does anyone know where to buy buttermilk?"
War and oppression in Europe had taken its toll on her. She struggled at the end with that pain and some hate. She and her mother had been separated 20 years until USSR released Grandmother, and she came to live with us.
I knew when I read the Cape Cod times "In honor of Mother's Day" advertisement today; that I would be spending this afternoon with Mom. As tears fall, I am refreshed in the memory of you, Memme.

-Dusty Finch

"I feel great."

That is the last thing my mother said to me, in fact those are the last words she spoke to anyone. When I hear someone use that phrase it brings me back to the day of moms death but it does warms my heart knowing she felt good on that day. When I stood at the end of her hospice bed in our living room and gave her feet a light squeeze, I asked her if there was anything I could get for her? She responded "I feel great." i walked away to let her rest as I watched her eyes close, she looked comfortable and at ease. I left the house on that gorgeous April day, sun shining, the ocean was glistening and waves were perfect. I gathered with some friends on the boardwalk to enjoy the warmth.
When I returned to my car Dad had called several times, I knew it. I called him back and he was sobbing, "your mother passed" he said. I fell to my knees, I couldn't believe it, my heart broke in two, I thought it'd never really happen.
I headed home in shock, I couldn't even speak.
When I walked in the house Grandma was sitting at the kitchen table crying and Dad greeted me there with a huge hug, sobbing in my arms. I was nervous to see mom, just 30 mins ago she was resting so peacefully, now she's dead. I made my way in and just burst into tears. I laid my head on her chest, held her hand and kissed her goodbye.
I'll never forget that day and this April 4th I will honor mom as I do everyday. I miss her dearly.

getting back on track...

Its been awhile since I've written, honestly I just haven't had the time! I HAVE had the motivation tho as I've conjured up several things to write about but haven't put down my thoughts just yet.

Thank god it's a New Year! March 1st is tomorrow, Wow! The past 5 months have flown by due to my new bar tending job and M-F at CPA office. It's my 4th year there and every year I've been given a raise which is great! It's actually a dream job for me! I've always wanted to work in an office and this one is perfect. Greeting customers, answering calls, filing, photo copying; it's all busy work but very helpful to all the accountants in the office. Also its only from mid Feb to mid April, just enough time to not get sick of it!

I can't wait to get back in the gardens! I just wrote an article for Cape women online magazine about springtime, it will be published April 15th:)

Returning to a functional life after heartbreak took some time but I'm getting there. I thought I'd be able to move along without fear everyday but it's been hard. Fresh out of a 10 year relationship and owning a 6 year old black lab together, it's been tough. I miss everything, I miss the thought of happily ever after. But in the end who do you really have? No one but yourself... I've realized this and am enjoying my independence and strength it's given me. I feel alive again....finally. This is more of a journal entry rather than one of my usual posts about nature but it is much needed to get some of these thoughts down. Stay true to yourself as I'm now learning to do.